Bree's Cliched Experience
by AnimeFanBree
Summary: My oc Bree, from Bree's Hogwarts Experience, deals with the many cliches of fanfiction.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. I do own Bree and her family. Do not steal or the plot bunnies will come for you.**

**So this is a spin-off of my story "Bree's Hogwarts Experience." Basically it's what would happen if Bree were faced with the many clichés that exist in Harry Potter Fan-fiction and some of my own plot bunnies that won't leave me alone. Today we're starting with Veela Draco.**

* * *

><p><strong>Version 1<strong>

Bree frowned as she mulled over the information she had just heard, never mind the fact that a male Veela should be totally and completely impossible, the fact that Draco was one was more than a little strange. Couple that with the fact that Bree was apparently Draco's predestined soul mate and now someone who she and hated and who used to hate/fear her was in love with her and things took a turn for the bizarre. Bree told Draco to meet her at the astronomy tower at midnight so she could give him her response to his confession. At 12:01 A.M Draco's broken body could be found at the bottom of the Astronomy Tower. If anyone asked Bree would say that she had rejected Draco and in despair he had flung himself from the tower. No one could prove otherwise.

**Ver. 2**

Bree, after a month or so of thinking it over, agreed to marry Draco. Two days after the wedding Draco and his parents met with an unfortunate accident with the Knight-Bus leaving Bree the grieving widow and sole heir of the Malfoy estate. A year later, while lounging on the beach of her own private island with her new husband Bree would reflect that marrying Draco was the second best decision she had ever made. As for the first best decision, well no one could find any evidence connecting her to it anyway.

**V. 3**

Bree frowned as she mulled over the information she had just heard, never mind the fact that a male Veela should be totally and completely impossible, the fact that Draco was one was more than a little strange. Couple that with the fact that Harry was apparently Draco's predestined soul mate and now Draco, who used to hate Harry as much as Harry hated him, was now in love with the messy haired Gryffindor and things took a turn for the bizarre. Add the fact the Harry was apparently returning those feeling and things started going down the path of bat-shit insane.

After a day of investigating, Bree found the source hiding in a storage closet. It was horrible, it was revolting, it was a scourge known throughout the multiverse, it was… yaoi fangirls. After liberal application of a shotgun and the salting and burning of the bodies, things returned to normal in Hogwarts. Well, what passed for normal anyway.


	2. Chapter 2

**And now, ladies, gentlemen, and beings of suspicious origin, for our next cliché, the abandoned Harry fic. These are stories where, for whatever reason, the Dursley's dump Harry in a foreign country where Harry is raised by people that actually care about him. I've seen this happen quite a bit with crossovers where someone from a different series raises Harry. So I thought, what would happen if Harry was abandoned in America and found by Bree's family. This isn't so much a story as it is a collection of moments.**

* * *

><p>It all started one fall day in southern California, which, come to think of it, wasn't really all that different from any other day in southern California except that you might have to put on a sweater, maybe. Mrs. Smith had taken her six year old daughter to the local park. After a few minutes Bree was running back to where her mother was reading a book on a park bench. The girl was dragging a small boy with messy dark hair, vivid green eyes, and clothes that were several sizes too big for him by the hand.<p>

"Mom, Harry's family abandoned him here two days ago. Can I keep him?" the excited little blond asked her stunned Mother.

Harry was taken to the hospital, police were called, as were Child protective Services. Bree's mother was shocked to find out that Harry was the same age as her daughter, they were even born in the same month! Harry looked at least a year younger than Bree, but his small size came from neglect and undernourishment, not from his age.

Eventually, the Smiths managed to adopt Harry. Bree was quite pleased that she got to "keep" Harry.

The two new siblings were inseparable, even more so when Harry joined Bree's class. Bree had been an outcast in her school because of her eccentric personality and tendency to talk about things (like TV shows, movies, etc.) that didn't exist.

Harry was the only member of the family to notice the latter of Bree's quirks. Whenever Harry managed to prove to Bree that the things she talked about didn't exist she would forget seconds later and continue on as if they did exist. Harry eventually gave up.

* * *

><p>When they were nine Harry and Bree discovered that Harry could communicate with snakes during a visit to their Aunt's house. Their cousin had a pet ball python that complained rather loudly about the quality of his food. Namely that it was already dead.<p>

The year they turned eleven they moved to England. Just when the last box had been unpacked an owl showed up carrying two letters. One letter was for Bree and the other was for Harry Potter. "Potter" being the name Harry had before he was adopted.

Mrs. Smith had been, understandably, shocked at the discovery that her children were magical. Mr. Smith, on the other hand, had just shrugged and said "Well, that explains a few things."

* * *

><p>Harry sighed. They hadn't even arrived at their new (magic) school yet and Bree had already slapped someone. Granted, the person she had slapped was a pompous little bastard, it still wasn't the best start to the best way to start to the school year.<p>

* * *

><p>"I still think we should have kept the snake." Bree stated from her position in the hospital bed next to Harry's.<p>

"The snake was a basilisk and it was trying to kill us." Harry pointed out.

"Still awesome." Bree replied.

* * *

><p>"What did you do?" Harry hissed at his sister after her name came out as the fourth contestant for a tournament that was only supposed to have three competitors.<p>

"No, seriously, what the hell did you do?" he said after his name came out as the fifth contestant.

* * *

><p>"There are two of them." Percy stated as he stared at the two Bree's chatting animatedly across the room.<p>

"Yeah." Said Harry.

"We're all doomed." Percy said in horror.

"Yeah." Harry said again.

* * *

><p><strong>And that's it, please leave a review.<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**For today's cliché Bree faces one of the worst things to ever infect fanfiction, Mary-sue's. She's up against the worst Sue ever created, from one of the worst stories ever written.**

* * *

><p>Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way was the worst thing that had ever happened to Hogwarts. It was a creature that was a terrible mockery of a human being. It tried to look like a teenage girl. It had pale skin and black hair. It cried tears of blood and while that would normally indicate that that was something medically wrong with "her" it was fine because "she" was a "vampire."<p>

It wore "gothic" clothing, which apparently meant slutty and black, and it had a rather poor understanding of English language. Somehow it had inserted itself into the Seventh year population of Slytherin. Hogwarts had radically changed since its arrival.

The weather had changed radically and it had somehow become possible for it to rain and snow at the same. Harry, Neville, Hermione, Ron, and Ginny had changed their names and changed houses, Draco's personality had changed. Every member of Slytherin had become a "goth Satanist", you know, the kind of Satanist the really only does it to upset their parents and don't know a Devil's Trap from a true Satanic pentagram. Idiots. Everyone who wasn't in Slytherin was a "prep" apparently.

Curiously everyone acted as if Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff didn't exist. Bree took refuge with Luna.

"The rest of the school has gone completely crazy." Bree complained.

"They seem to have been affected by a large infestation of wrakspurts." Luna replied.

"That's an interesting theory Luna." Bree stated. ""But I think it has more to do with Ebony."

"Hogwarts doesn't seem to like her very much." Luna said. "What are you going to do about her?"

"It, Luna, it. "Her" gives it too much humanity." Bree replied. "And as for what I'm going to do, well, I'm going to get rid of it of course.

* * *

><p>Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way woke strapped to a steel table in a white room. She saw Bree looming over her. She opened her mouth to cuss out the "jelous pozer bich" and instead only a rasping noise.<p>

"Oh good. You're awake." Bree said cheerily. "I didn't want to be subjected to your butchered speech that barely qualifies as English, so I had Dr. McStabbyImplements cut out your vocal cords."

The dark skinned male known as Dr. McStabbyImplements glared at Bree. She was undeterred and continued speaking cheerily to her victim.

"He's Indian and his real name is unpronounceable, plus he won't let me call him Bob." She said. She tilted her head and tapped her chin thoughtfully.

"I suppose you're wondering why you're here." She stated. "It's because you're an abomination created by a sick and depraved mind in order to torture innocents. Unfortunately the Sue race has infested almost the entire universe."

Bree grinned.

"So Dr. McStabbyImplements here is going to cut you up, take you apart, and find out what makes you tick." Her tone became darker and darker as she spoke. "Then we'll use the information to destroy Sue-kind. And the best part is: You. Can't. Scream."

She moved away from the table and was replaced by a scalpel wielding Dr. McStabbyImplements.

* * *

><p>No one at Hogwarts could remember what had happened. As far as they were concerned everything was normal and had always been normal. Their memories had been modified. It was as if Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way had never visited Hogwarts.<p>

As for Bree, she was going to let the good people of UNIT, like Dr. McStabbyImplement, handle the Sue infestation.


	4. Chapter 4

**Today's cliché, Mpreg.**

* * *

><p>"I- I'm sorry could you repeat that. I think I was temporarily insane the first time." Bree stated, her expression someone between confusion and watching a train wreck.<p>

"I'm pregnant." Harry repeated miserably.

"Yeah, that's what I thought you said." Bree replied. "So um, how exactly…?"

"Magic." Harry answered.

"And who is the father?" Bree questioned.

"Draco." Harry responded.

"And um… why would you, with Draco?" Bree stumbled.

"Alcohol." Harry stated. Bree looked across the hall to where the father-to-be was banging his head against the table.

"You mean you drank all the alcohol… in the world? How do you still have a liver?" she asked. Harry glared at her. Bree looked around the rest of the hall, trying to find someone who could make sense of the madness. Hermione was rocking in the corner, taking refuge in her own mind since logic had apparently abandoned the world. Ron was slack jawed and drooling. Luna was staring out the window at the purple sky. Snape was trying to drown himself in his soup. Madam Pomfrey was rescuing Snape from his soup when Bree saw something move toward the doors out of the corner of her eye. Was that…? But she had taken care of that already, hadn't she? She got up and followed it.

The infestation was bigger than she had thought before. The hive she had found in the closet had splintered off from the main group that had taken over a dungeon corridor. Bree could only stare at the unimaginable horror that she faced. Rabid yaoi fangirls. She turned and ran. This would require more than a shotgun.

* * *

><p>One liberal application of nerve gas, a machine gun, a flamethrower and a hazmat team later and the area "the hoard" had once occupied was sealed off. Snape had the soup cleared from his lungs, Hermione and Ron were given therapy, Draco and Harry were given biology textbooks to read and the sky returned to its usual color.<p>

No one ever mentioned the incident again, well, no one except Dean who only said that he was glad he was a minor character so stuff like that never happened to him. He was ignored.


	5. Chapter 5

**Today's cliché: Time Travel.**

* * *

><p>"So." Eleven year old Bree began after corning eleven year old Harry.<p>

"So." Harry repeated.

"You've been acting strangely." Bree stated.

"How would you know that, we've only just met!" Harry protested.

"Last time around you acted differently." Bree replied.

"Last time around?... You came back too, didn't you?" Harry asked.

"Yep." Bree responded happily.

"Do you remember the castle blowing up?" Harry pressed.

"That was Neville's fault." Bree said quickly.

"Neville was bleeding out in the hospital wing." Harry pointed out.

"Okay, okay, so it turns out that there's a way to get Hogwarts to self-destruct, and I sort of activated it." Bree explained.

"What?" Harry replied incredulously.

"It turns out if you pull down every ward at once it will cause the castle to implode and since we were all going to die anyway…" Bree shrugged helplessly.

"So it was a "taking you with me" kind of thing." Harry stated.

"Yeah."

"That doesn't explain the time travel."

"I'm going to say magic and leave it at that."

"So what do we do now?"

"Well, obviously we need to change certain events for the better while still preserving the timeline." Bree stated seriously. She burst out laughing not two seconds later. "Just kidding. I'm ging to go screw with Snape's head." She ran off cackling. Harry followed her to do damage control.

* * *

><p>Twenty year old Harry stared in shock at twenty year old Bree.<p>

"Did you just- did we just kidnap my younger self?" he asked.

Bree ignored him, she was too busy cooing to two and a half year old Harry.

"Who's a little cutie? Who's a little cutie? Yes you're a little cutie!" she said.

"Bree! Would you listen to me for a minute!" Twenty year old Harry exclaimed. Bree looked at him.

"What are we going to do with me-him?" He questioned.

"I'll be the mom and you be the dad and we'll give him a better childhood than what you had." Bree replied before she went back to fussing over Two and a half year old Harry.

Twenty year old Harry buried his face in his hands.

"Great." He muttered. "I'm going to be my own dad."


	6. Chapter 6

**Today's Cliche manipulative/downright evil Dumbles!**

* * *

><p>"What are you doing?" Bree asked Draco one day in the room of requirement. Draco whirled around. He hadn't expected anyone to find him.<p>

"Is that a the vanishing cabinet a student fell into a while ago?" Bree questioned, motioning to the piece of furniture Draco had been busy with.

"Er, well, yes." Draco stammered.

"And I suppose you're trying to fix it as part of some overly elaborate final attempt on Dumbledore's life." Bree said.

Draco flinched.

"Explain the plan so I can make sure no one I care about get's hurt." Bree ordered. "Unless you'd prefer the needle and the veritaserum."

Draco quickly explained is plan. Bree tilted her head.

"Why don't you just let them in through the front door." She asked.

Draco spluttered. "There are wards and protections!"

"Yeah, no." Bree replied slowly. "I mean, if you think about it, every threat to this school since first year had come in through the front door. Quirrel, Voldemort's diary, fake Moody, you. So really, there's no reason they just can't walk in, except they have no reason to since Dumbledore isn't really a threat to your dark lord anymore, what with being dead and all."

"What." Draco said flatly.

Bree smirked. "Yeah, you see I found out years ago that Dumbledore was skimming from the Potter's vault and paying the Dursley's to act abusive, not that they really needed the incentive, and he's been planning Harry's since he was a baby, and I got really angry, but Aunt Lisa pointed out that he has enough power to cause some problems if we act against him outwright so he started undermining him, shaking people faith in him in subtle ways, and well, he's been looking a so tired lately, don't you think? People have been saying that's he ill." Bree smirk turned into a grin.

"Of course, whatever he did with his hand has been helping that right along, but mostly it's been me. See, I did the research. The magical world had so many poisons you can brew up in a caldron, and they're so arrogant that they never check for the muggle ones when they do an autopsy, if they do an autopsy, but that's "barbaric" and very few are trained for it." Bree got a manic gleam in her eye.

"Did you know that in the muggle world most female murderers use poison?" she said excitedly. "And if there's a suspicious death they test for eveything that would show up in a test. In the muggle world I never would have gotten away with this, but here at Hogwarts? It was a simple matter of switching out his lemon drops for tainted ones and then I sat back and watched as he unknowingly killed himself, little by little, drop by drop. He got weaker and weaker and everyone thhought it was just old age and the stress of Voldemort's return, and then then in September he showed up with a blackened hand, and he started getting worse. But he just kept eating those lemon drops, until today that is, when he keeled over on the stairs, now all that's left to do is get rid of the tainted lemon drops and no one will ever suspect a thing since they won't be any double checking the cause of death since he was so old. And even if they do, well, you're the one they'll blame."

"But I didn't have anything to do with it!" Draco protested.

"But you have been trying to kill him all year." Bree pointed out. "Because that's what you were told to do, you just weren't creative, or skilled, or knowledgable, or sneaky enough. Everything you've been doing, you've been doing wrong. Unless you were trying to be as obvious as possible, in which case, bravo, you've done an excellent job, thanks, now if they do figure out he was posioned, all evidence points to you. And if you deny it, well, who would believe a dark marked Slytherin over a Gryffindor without a motive? Though I do suppose we'll have to find a new game to play hm? I mean you wouldn't want to bore me _right_?"

"No, of course not, what do you have in mind?" Draco asked, his sking paling rapidly.

"Well, the today at breakfast day I noticed Harry making eyes at Snape." Bree repled. Draco looked a little ill.

"Yeah that's what I thought too." Bree commented. "Well that and, "Oh god, not this business again." Anyway, I was on my way here when I got the news about Dumbledore. I keep my, uh, cleaning supplies up here in case of an infestation. You wouldn't happen to know how to use a shotgun would you?"

Draco stared blanky.

Bree sighed. "Well, I guess you can start with the axe. We'll start looking the dungeons since they seem to like nesting in the darkest depths of human depravity and work our way up."

"And what if we don't find anything?" Draco questioned nervously.

"Then we'll research the favorite food of fangirls and leave out some baited traps." Bree replied. "Now hand me those shells, pick up that axe and let's get to it."

* * *

><p><strong>And thus begins the saga of Bree and Draco: Fangirl Hunters.<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>So, yeah, in the Cliche-verse, which is what I'm calling it now, the solution to manipulative Dumbledore is an even more manipulative Bree and Bree's standard reaction for anything that seems off is to reach for a shotgun.<strong>

**But in all seriousness, I honestly cannot comprehend the logic behind the Harry/Snape pairing or Snape/anyone. Snape had one love, she's dead, he's wracked with guilt for the rest of his life. The end. And don't even get me started on Harry/Sirius, Harry/Remus, or Harry/Lucius. No. Just no. I once saw a fic were Harry went back in time and started a relationship with his own father. Why? Why does that exist?**

**Oh, and the next chapter of Bree's World Tour is coming along, it's just required an awful lot of internet research. **


End file.
